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I Forgot What It Felt Like To Breathe

I’ve been holding my breath for 4 years wondering what the next step would be and yesterday I finally got an answer.  The answer wasn’t what I wished, prayed or hoped for, but I kinda knew it would pan out this way.  Yesterday for the first time I stopped holding my breath.  And it felt good to be able to breathe.  The fact that I can still breathe lets me know that there is hope, the story has not ended, a chapter is just closed. I’ve learned so much about myself in this 4 year journey and I’ve learned so much about other people.  Many times people aren’t who you think they are.  The world is an evil place.  I do think that I was used. And I wish I could end that sentence there and play victim but the truth is I was used because I allowed it. I need to own up to my faults. I’ve learned to never give someone so much of yourself that you have nothing left for yourself.  I couldn’t move on for 4 years because I had given him ever single piece of me and it took 4 years to rebuild a better me. 

I was chatting with friends on FB about friendships and seasons, and how sometimes friends are in your life for a season.  Maybe to help you with something in your life or maybe you are helping them with something in their life.  Seasons change, they come and go. And I’m learning to not hold on to seasonal people, to just let them go. Because they weren’t meant to be in your life forever.  and yesterday I had an ah ha moment. I  learned that relationships (boyfriend/girlfriend) are seasonal many times too.  Never before had I equated my relationship to a season but when I think about it, it is now clear that he was there just for a season but I wanted him for a lifetime.  Our goals didn’t match.

So where do I go from here? I don’t know. But I can’t just stay here. I need to move on.

What I took from that season? A lot. 

In the end people look out for their best interest, what they want, what makes them feel good.  It’s not a bad thing at all, I just didn’t know how to love rationally or that someone in love was even capable. Now I know the mind will do anything to protect the heart.  And I wont ever make these same mistakes.

once a good girl goin bad, she’s gone forever . . . .

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3 thoughts on “I Forgot What It Felt Like To Breathe

  1. “The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be–and when they’re not, we cry.” Unknown

    I don’t believe in the last line you wrote.

    1. Thanks for your comment. Very interesting quote. The last line I wrote is from Jay-Z “Song Cry”. I agree with Jay-Z’s sentiments because I will NEVER EVER be the girl I was before. I’d be stupid to. I will NEVER EVER make myself as available again. As crazy and extreme as that may seem, the new me is a smarter very guarded me. And I feel more comfortable and stable by living my life that way.

      “Love ALL, trust A FEW. Do wrong to NONE.” Shakespeare

  2. Then what you’re saying is in reverse in what it’s implying. A good girl going bad, gone forever means at a point of no return. In your case, not so. Happy for you.

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