Yesterday as I was leaving for work my Dad asked me a very convoluted question.
Brenda, are you happy?
I asked him, what did he mean. I was kind of confused because I walked out my room, greeted him and then he hits me with a loaded question like, “Are you happy?”
I mean how difficult is it to answer that question, right? Wrong.
This year is a year of great stress. I’m not sure if my over-30 folks went through this tough stage of self/life evaluation like I am going through right now — but it’s tough.
So to answer the question my dad asked me required me to really think hard. And honestly, I couldn’t really answer without explanation.
Am I generally happy? Yes.
I’m not sure if that makes any sense but I can’t say that I am where I want to be. But I can say that I am making moves to where I want to be.
I told him that I know that I am blessed . . . but I want MORE. I need MORE. I deserve MORE.
And I’m not sure being blessed means that you are HAPPY. For me, it just means that I know I have it better than a lot of people. So I’m grateful that I am getting by.
And it’s kind of frustrating because I can see it and taste it but not to be able to have it now kind of pisses me off.
I see people getting married, starting families – I WANT that!
I see people getting promotions, moving into different fields – I WANT that!
People my age (and younger) are starting their own business – I WANT that!
People my age are closing on their first home – I WANT that!
People my age are almost out of student loan debt – I WANT that!
I’m working toward those things but I’m not there and that frustrates me. I know, I know . . .
And I am! And I do!
But how long must I wait?
What/who is preventing me from getting to those goals?
He is! He is! Ok, it’s ME! Even for the marriage and starting family goal, I know that problem is ME.
Even my job is starting to annoy me. It’s a drag to stay at work the entire work day. I have to push myself to finish the work day. It’s draining. It’s frustrating. It’s a very dark job BUT it’s great work. And it’s because I see the bigger picture that I have not given my 30 Day notice. #truth
I really still can’t answer my dad’s question. It haunts me and I’ve been really trying to confront the issue of happiness. I love my daddy! I know he sensed my hesitation in answering the question. And in the end he said, “Brenda, I just want you to be happy.” Which means soo much to me because I need to be happy to be a great daughter, sister, friend, Soror, attorney, blogger, citizen.
And I appreciate this platform because it’s very therapeutic. It helps me flush out my feelings. I’m still flushing it out but I’m glad my Dad started a dialogue that I need to constantly have with myself.
Are you happy?