I love being in control. And I like to think things happen because of my efforts. When I am “ready” to be in a relationship – it should happen, almost magically. At least I thought so. I mean I’m everything a man can want (I’m fine, I’m smart and I am FUN) and more (I ain’t got no kids, no baggage, and I can throw down) so when I meet that special one and I am ready to settle down – he needs to settle down! This has not been the case. And I’ve learned that it has nothing to do with me. I am not in his equation when he’s thinking about “settling down.” No matter how much of the bomb.com I think I am (and he knows I am) IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
I spoke with a girlfriend earlier about her recent breakup and she was frustrated because she has been through hell and high water with her ex. They are the definition of break up to make up. I lost count of how many times they’ve gotten back together after he’s broken up with her. I told her, “It has nothing to do with you. It ain’t about you. And you cannot solve his issues, only he can.” That place is very familiar to me. “I make everything else work, why can’t I fix this relationship? Why can’t I make him love me again?” And the answer only came years after I said goodbye, years after I actually took myself out the equation and stood outside the box. I saw the relationship for what it was. When I was truly over him and I was no longer emotionally attached, I stopped pointing the blame on me and said, “That’s all him”. Listen, we all have our own demons, our own baggage, our own insecurities, our own issues that can negatively impact our relationships but the only way a relationship will survive is if we confront those things. Confrontation requires acknowledgment and action (I swear I just made this up!). And you cannot overcome anything without both acknowledgment and action. So when your partner says, “Ideally I see us together but I can’t get past x” he’s saying, “I’m acknowledging there is an issue but I don’t want to deal (act) with it.” Thus, we have an issue that is not being confronted therefore the issue is ever-present. So there is no way that this relationship will ever flourish because the one thing that is preventing him from moving forward with you lingers over your relationship. And you must be careful in relationships like these because you could easily become the side chick. The friend with benefit chick. And you’re likely to roll because in your heart, you hold those 5 words close, “ideally I see us together . . .” and your heart makes you forget, ” BUT I can’t get past x.” So you remain hopeful because you are in love with a man that may love you but not like that . . . and he can’t love you like you love him because of his issues THAT he is not willing to CONFRONT. He’s not able to give you what you need . . .
Now what I propose takes a lot of strength to do. I did it but only after years of playing side chick, no commitment chick, I’m gonna be the main chick real soon kinda thinking . . .
I cut it! Literally, I told him, we can’t be friends. Either we are going to be in a relationship or not. A very simple proposition. And honestly, I don’t even think you should ask him to decide because you know what, HE ALREADY DID! If he wanted a relationship y’all would have been in one. So the real way to do it is to STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM and move on. It’s hard, it’s a struggle but each day gets easier. It was easier for me because we were in two different cities. But if you are in the same city, live your life like you he has a restraining order on you. That means that if you walk into a restaurant and he’s there, you leave. Yea, you’re inconveniencing yourself but it’s for your sanity. You’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you. It’s toxic! And all you need is one conversation with him, one word and you’re back at where you began. Don’t follow him on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. If you have mutual friends request that they not update you about his life. He shall never be the topic of conversation. Set rules and live by them. Date freely, just to get in the habit of being with someone else.
Last, I would say take it out of your mind that dude, was “your soul mate”, “The One.” Thinking like that will leave you in the darkness for a while. Please trust and believe that those things that you fell in love with are not extrinsically tied to your ex. Do you think a God so big, would give good looks, smarts, charm, wealth, personality and all those qualities that drew you to him only to him?!?!? Get outta here! You’ll find that plus more in someone else. Believe that and see the kind of yumminess you attract!
Sending my friend and those who are going through rough patches in their relationship Love+Light