I hate feeling desperate. It annoys me when I think about how I act when I’m desperate. I have to tell myself, “It’s not that deep yo, chill.” Lately, I’ve been desperate to leave my job. Not desperate enough to leave it without another lined up though. I’m just anxious to leave and begin the next phase of my career. But this desperation has guided me under false pretenses. It tells me that something is way better than I think, feel and know it is.
Example 1: I applied for this job, got to the second interview and didn’t get it. I wanted it because I just wanted something lined up to quit my current job. It wasn’t my heart’s work, the pay was better but benefits were crappy but in the end it was just something to get me out of my current situation. When I didn’t get it, it stung a little but for some reason I bounced back within 10 minutes and I forgot about the rejection letter. I don’t know why I didn’t harp on it but I just didn’t. Later, I found out that this firm claimed to love the people they served but was doing some shady things to people I know. And when the why was revealed, I thanked God.
Light doesn’t mix with dark. I’m an attorney but I take pride in being an ethical one. When I say I love my clients, I really do and I don’t ever want to do anything to intentionally hurt them – my heart won’t let me. I feel like I’ve been in a waiting/pause phase in my life as far as transitioning out of my career. I use to tell myself I hate it but now I’m seeing the great things about my job. And I’m trying to appreciate the present. I have learned through this job how much I am deeply concerned about the welfare of poor people. It really keeps me awake at night thinking about what I can do to change the trajectory of someone’s life or if I can even do it . . . I’m dedicated to living my full life in the now.
I’m not going to live my life consumed by the future. I won’t live a life just searching for my next gig or my future husband and all those things that we grasp aimlessly for. I am pledging to live a life not of desperation but dedication to who I am today and making her better, stronger, kinder, wiser to prepare herself for tomorrow. Because tomorrow will come without my help. I just need to stay the course and embrace the journey.
sleepless in Miami. I’m typing this on my phone at 1:45 am. Forgive errors. Peace. Good night/morning/afternoon 😉